I went swimming…proper swimming in a pool, with lengths and kicking and goggles. Forgive me, but I want to do the real head-in-water stuff. I don’t pay £4.30 just to splash about in one of London’s luke-warm grimey pools. I don’t want to swim breaststroke at such a slow pace that somewhere down the line I’m actually gaining calories. My hair gets wet… yeah, proper soaking wet. And I wear goggles because chlorine really does sting. Once I even put a swimming hat on. And I have long been a devotee of the swimming costume.
Oh fine, mock me, point at me from your lane full of bikini-clad girls having chats in the shallow end. But how many times have I been coerced into joining that crew, waddling to the pool in a bikini only to push off from the side and find my unruly bikini top has fallen to my waist. None of these bikinis are suitable, and any sporty two-pieces that speedo has dreamt up only make you look like you’re a keen high jumper.
But the one-piece is a controversial, and indeed difficult, shopping mission. In the conservative corner we have the sporty swimming costume, which throughout history has intended to deprive women of femininity, sweeping breasts up into armpits and cutting intense lines into thighs. Design-wise, these swimsuits fail to take inspiration from anything other than an orca, which puts new meaning to looking like a whale. The only alternative is pink, because sports brands are still banking on sporty females wanting to wear pink and only pink.
But do you know whats really, really great, it’s that the one-piece is back. I’m definitely not talking about the cut-out TOWIE style, I’m talking all-in-one swimsuit with straps and back and bum and boobs in tact. The designs are pretty, flattering in fact, and all sign of whale has been replaced with flowers, or polka dots, rainbow stripes or even a skeleton, or a horse. You can wear that horse with pride as you gallop through the water, while the Bikinis and Speedo girls battle it out behind you.